Misadventure in apartment hunting

From a previous post you know that I have now started apartment hunting. At this point I have seen one.

My future roommate and I show up at the apartment for our 2:30 appointment and sitting on the lawn are these two drunks with a golden retriever puppy. I think to myself "oh great a dog."

Note: I am not a dog hater. I just have not had the best dog experiences as of late. I am a bad dog owner hater, there is a difference.

I hope that these are not the owners.

“Rick, Rick” the man scream slurs “There are people here to look at the apartment”

“He’ll be right out.” The equally drunk girlfriend/wife says to us stumbling incredibly close to me.

We sit outside and the drunk man tries to engage us in conversation. We give yes or no answers and mainly just try to ignore him. I have seen this type of drunk before. If you start a conversation they will just keep talking and talking. If you try to excuse yourself they will follow you, a half a block if they have to.

The drunk man gets more impatient and gets up and before he departs he says something unintelligible to the dog. I pry a book of matches out of the puppy’s mouth 30 seconds later.

“Hey” Rick says coming out of the apartment. He sakes our hands and says who he is.

We walk into the duplex and Rick confides in us that “those” people do not live here.

I was relieved but then it dawned on me that they would probably be visiting whomever wasn’t moving out of the other apartment every nice weekend. As lawn ornaments I would have a pony tailed blonde shirtless drunk man, his pony tailed blonde wife and there mischievous phosphorous loving golden retriever. He would be drunk and come over to borrow some sugar hoping to get some sugar. This of course would be all my fault and the drunk wife would accuse me of “lookin’ at her man” and probably bring me on Springer. It would be awkward and I would have to shut off the lights and pretend I wasn’t home all weekend.

Rick begins the tour of the apartment by saying:

“There is a Spanish family living here now.”

Merriam Webster defines Spanish as being from Spain. Just because people speak Spanish does not mean that they are from Spain. I speak Spanish I am not from Spain. The people who live in this apartment are from Mexico.

“Yeah.” He continues. “The people living here now are on assistance. I don’t want anyone on assistance living here. I was nice and found them a new place to live, but I don’t want anyone on assistance living here.

Rick you deserve a medal for your good service and caring towards people in your community. We the community thank you for evicting people from their apartment because they are on assistance and finding them a new apartment. You are very gracious. Your achievements are so laudable that we deem this day June 27th in the year of our lord 2005 Rick the Landlord Day and it shall be celebrated as such from now onto eternity.

From this point on I really do not want to look at the apartment anymore because the more this guy talks the more I think that he is a ginormous asshole. There is no way that I can let my roommate know this. (Note to self figure out a signal so that we are ever in this situation again we can stop the tour and not waste our time.)

“Yeah, this place isn’t showing very well because of how these people have left it.”

Throughout the rest of the tour of the apartment he keeps on cutting down these people in front of them. The parents may not know English but I am sure that their kids do.

“None of this foil will be here. The people here now do a lot of splatter cooking. It can get pretty messy.” (The mom is in the kitchen when he says this.)

“Yeah. These rugs will be gone too. They were nice enough to put these rugs down to protect the flooring, but it isn’t really my decorating style. You don’t have to keep them here.”

Whenever we went to a room he would always describe the room’s features and always end by saying “… and none of this stuff will be here.” In regards to the current tenants personal property.

To be honest the apartment wasn’t that great in the first place. He said that he had had the place for 26 years and it was really in disrepair. Soot in the corners of the walls everything was old and not really taken care of. He said that before we would move in all of this would be repainted and fixed, but how many times have I heard that before from a landlord.

I will be looking further thank you very much Rick the landlord. If I run into anymore assholes I will be sure to post it.

The song stuck in my head unfortunately and very coincidental is a song from the musical RENT. You know the one with all the counting. I saw the preview for it before a movie I saw tonight and so that is why it is stuck in my head. I am not a big fan of musicals, but hey the songs are catchy so here it is stuck. If it is still in there tomorrow I will probably find some way to surgically alter my brain.