Pre- distressed jeans –Con

I have been waiting to tell this story as to protect the ego of a certain person that I will not name because to be honest I did not catch his name, but he will forever be know to me as Mr. Bubblegum.

It is a warm Midwest summer day and I am sitting in a circle of plastic lawn chairs in my new back yard. I am crocheting and talking as I often do a parties I host or co-host because I am an introvert that feels like I need to have some sort of conversation starter even among my close friends who have written this off as a quirk of mine.

A friend of mine shows up with a friend of his from out of town. Out of town guy is the hipster metro borderline type who is wearing a tight polo shirt and tighter pre-distressed jeans. The pockets are worn and he has a rip mid-thigh of his right pant leg. I have always wondered why people pay so much to have pre-distressed jeans. Thrift stores are cheaper. Oh well I guess it is cool, which I lack the ability to be I guess.

Mr. Out of Town is really chatty. We learn that he is only in town for another 36 hours and he has not slept a wink in order to spend as much time soaking up Minneapolis as he can because he hasn’t been here in years and it will be years until he’ll be back. We are graced by his presence on day 3 of the awake fest. As the night progresses he relaxes more and more in his chair.

Hour two: legs widen and is it just me or has the pre-distress hole in his pants gotten bigger?
Hour 2.5 he slumps in the chair. Uhm.. I think that there is another hole a bit north and in a bit.
Hour 3: he slumps and widens to reveal..

We will now switch to the conversation in my head…
Oh my god! Is that what I think it is? No, it can’t be. Look away, it can’t possibly be. Just talk to someone else, because it is not what you think it is. How could someone you don’t know come to your house warming party to show you his testicles? It’s not. Okay. Or is it? You should look again just to make sure. You have to do it quick girl because you can’t make it look like you are staring. Okay it’s not.

A few minutes later…

It totally is his lefty. You aren’t wearing glasses and you are a bit tipsy and single. So let’s look again just to make sure. Okay the jury is out, just stop thinking about it. It’s not, Its not It’s not.

He slumps and widens trying to make the cheap plastic chair as comfortable as possible to reveal that his pants have completely disintegrated and his jeans actually belong in a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog.

Oh my god! Are his pants completely crotch less? They are!! Is that shaft? Look away look away. Okay look. He isn’t wearing underwear. Oh no his boys are totally going to land on my neighbors lawn chair! What do I do? Look away! I am a girl and I can’t admit that I have noticed. Look away! Don’t laugh. Should I let it go? Which is worse though, completely exposing yourself to a bunch of people you do not know or having some cute girl tell you that his left testicle plus is hanging out. Which is worse? Which is worse? What do I do?

Just as my brain is ready to melt because of my dilemma, my roommate asks if anyone wants anything. I jump from my chair and run after him.

We walk into the kitchen and I have to hold onto the counter to steady myself from the laughter that I have kept for this moment.

“What’s so funny?”
“Do you know that guy from out of town?”
“Not really.”
“I have a dilemma and I was wondering if you could do me a favor, because I just can’t”
“Why do you think he is cute?”
“No,” I gulp “It’s just that.. uhm.. he has those predistressed jeans on and well… There is a hole.”
“…. In his pants and you can totally see his boys. His bubblegum”
“You knew!”
“Uhm yeah.”
We share a laughter break.
“You have to say something. He is totally going to have an accident on the upstairs neighbors lawn chairs. And when we get out there you cannot look at me because I will totally lose it and he will know that I have been taking a gander at his junk.”

My roommate and I sit down and of course he looks at me and I start to laugh, he laughs so hard that he falls down a bit and when he recovers himself. He looks at Mr. Bubblegum and says.

“Hey dude, I don’t know you that well. But I can totally see your business.’

Mr. Bubblegum does not seem too phased and replies.

“Oh, so you can totally see my brain skin.”

Which is by far one of the strangest things I have ever heard.

Let this story be a cautionary tale on why you should think twice about buying Pre-Distressed jeans.

1 for the Con column.