The various of the various and sometimes kitschy

Since music is really important to me and because it is often featured in my blog I have put together a radio station for your listening pleasure. Because

I am a dork
I do not know how to make links to mp3s like Treat Williams and you can get a better idea of what I am talking about when I say songs are stuck in my head.

It has taken me quite some time to get it where I wanted.

Here are the details:
Go to: music.yahoo.com
I think you need a yahoo address. If you don’t have one sign up for one and use it as the junk box for all of sweep stakes and drawings that you sign up for and hey it’s free.

Put in the station you want to listen to as Lemonlifemail.

If you have any problems email me. I love to help.

Misadventure in apartment hunting

From a previous post you know that I have now started apartment hunting. At this point I have seen one.

My future roommate and I show up at the apartment for our 2:30 appointment and sitting on the lawn are these two drunks with a golden retriever puppy. I think to myself "oh great a dog."

Note: I am not a dog hater. I just have not had the best dog experiences as of late. I am a bad dog owner hater, there is a difference.

I hope that these are not the owners.

“Rick, Rick” the man scream slurs “There are people here to look at the apartment”

“He’ll be right out.” The equally drunk girlfriend/wife says to us stumbling incredibly close to me.

We sit outside and the drunk man tries to engage us in conversation. We give yes or no answers and mainly just try to ignore him. I have seen this type of drunk before. If you start a conversation they will just keep talking and talking. If you try to excuse yourself they will follow you, a half a block if they have to.

The drunk man gets more impatient and gets up and before he departs he says something unintelligible to the dog. I pry a book of matches out of the puppy’s mouth 30 seconds later.

“Hey” Rick says coming out of the apartment. He sakes our hands and says who he is.

We walk into the duplex and Rick confides in us that “those” people do not live here.

I was relieved but then it dawned on me that they would probably be visiting whomever wasn’t moving out of the other apartment every nice weekend. As lawn ornaments I would have a pony tailed blonde shirtless drunk man, his pony tailed blonde wife and there mischievous phosphorous loving golden retriever. He would be drunk and come over to borrow some sugar hoping to get some sugar. This of course would be all my fault and the drunk wife would accuse me of “lookin’ at her man” and probably bring me on Springer. It would be awkward and I would have to shut off the lights and pretend I wasn’t home all weekend.

Rick begins the tour of the apartment by saying:

“There is a Spanish family living here now.”

Merriam Webster defines Spanish as being from Spain. Just because people speak Spanish does not mean that they are from Spain. I speak Spanish I am not from Spain. The people who live in this apartment are from Mexico.

“Yeah.” He continues. “The people living here now are on assistance. I don’t want anyone on assistance living here. I was nice and found them a new place to live, but I don’t want anyone on assistance living here.

Rick you deserve a medal for your good service and caring towards people in your community. We the community thank you for evicting people from their apartment because they are on assistance and finding them a new apartment. You are very gracious. Your achievements are so laudable that we deem this day June 27th in the year of our lord 2005 Rick the Landlord Day and it shall be celebrated as such from now onto eternity.

From this point on I really do not want to look at the apartment anymore because the more this guy talks the more I think that he is a ginormous asshole. There is no way that I can let my roommate know this. (Note to self figure out a signal so that we are ever in this situation again we can stop the tour and not waste our time.)

“Yeah, this place isn’t showing very well because of how these people have left it.”

Throughout the rest of the tour of the apartment he keeps on cutting down these people in front of them. The parents may not know English but I am sure that their kids do.

“None of this foil will be here. The people here now do a lot of splatter cooking. It can get pretty messy.” (The mom is in the kitchen when he says this.)

“Yeah. These rugs will be gone too. They were nice enough to put these rugs down to protect the flooring, but it isn’t really my decorating style. You don’t have to keep them here.”

Whenever we went to a room he would always describe the room’s features and always end by saying “… and none of this stuff will be here.” In regards to the current tenants personal property.

To be honest the apartment wasn’t that great in the first place. He said that he had had the place for 26 years and it was really in disrepair. Soot in the corners of the walls everything was old and not really taken care of. He said that before we would move in all of this would be repainted and fixed, but how many times have I heard that before from a landlord.

I will be looking further thank you very much Rick the landlord. If I run into anymore assholes I will be sure to post it.

The song stuck in my head unfortunately and very coincidental is a song from the musical RENT. You know the one with all the counting. I saw the preview for it before a movie I saw tonight and so that is why it is stuck in my head. I am not a big fan of musicals, but hey the songs are catchy so here it is stuck. If it is still in there tomorrow I will probably find some way to surgically alter my brain.

"The F-Word"

I hate when you write a blog about something really serious and then you don’t know what to write because everything you write after seems so trivial. How do I follow that last posting with something like a current event in the lives of a celebrity or how much I don’t like the Beach Boys? That is my conflict now. Sorry if it takes a couple days to right myself.

I have spent the last couple days chain book reading instead of blogging.
"Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs to "My Friend Leonard" by James Frey.

Needless to say both are very uplifting and are really feeding into my recent misanthropic leanings. I love people really but sometimes you have a day where everyone is just such a fucking asshole. That day was today.

The song stuck in my head this evening is "The F-Word" by Cannibal Ox. I love Cannibal Ox.

Yes Mom, I know aka Murderapolis

Yes, Mom I know

I live in a neighborhood that is known for being a bad neighborhood. My family and friends have not been thrilled about my living there. To be honest I am no longer thrilled about it either, but it used to be great. I used to live in a building with a bunch of considerate fun people, but now it is barking neglected dogs and drum kits. My rent is only $365 and my electric bill is $9 and I just pay a neighbor $5 to help pay for the wireless in the building. Now that the people aren’t the Atari party loving kids I used to live with and now that my building has been broken into 3 times, it is time to move on.

Lately I hate the news. I cringe after every time I see/hear that there is another murder in my neighborhood. I cringe because I know my mom is watching the TC news and I hate the calls I get from her, because Mom I know.

Earlier this week a man was shot executioner style in broad daylight on one of the busiest streets in the city. Many people saw this happen since this is a high traffic street. Two days later no one came forward to tell what they saw. Bullets often times to not reach their targets and a boy who was laying on the floor at his Aunt’s house was grazed in the arm by one of the bullets that was intended for the man who had already been shot several times.

This summer our murder rate is up so far by almost 60%. We are on our way to becoming Murderapolis once again.

I am not afraid that I will be shot and killed in my neighborhood because the victims often times know the people that shoot them. They are caught up in this gang war game where the “others” need to be eradicated off the face of the earth no matter who gets hurt in the process.

I am afraid because the Minneapolis Police do not make me feel safe. Calling them is like putting a message in a bottle and hoping it goes where it is supposed to and finding out later that it is floating in the middle of the sea with all the other bottles that other people have sent out.

Our dealings with the police have been less than positive:

1. When they ask for a description of the people you are calling about and you are giving height, weight and clothing description they pretty much interrupt you and say “Is he black or Hispanic?



2. They usually say something that makes you feel worse like. “Oh yeah, we get calls about that house all the time.” Or “Oh Tony yeah I guess we will have to talk to him again.”



3. I was speaking to a teacher at work and she said that when she called about dealings going on at the abandoned house across the street from her house in the adjacent neighborhood some suburban cop pulled up and got out of the car and shouted to her “Hey, are these the people you called about?” as he pointed out the people across the street.



4. They say that they also do not get a lot of other complaints from other people in our area and that it is just us. One, insinuating that we complain too much. Two, the reason that people aren’t complaining is because the police department doesn’t have a lot of people who speak a language other than English and we are one of the few apartments that have English speaking tenants.

Maybe I am too compassionate and angry to live here anymore. My students and their families live here. I do not want any of them to be shot while doing their homework, or walking from the store with their friends or waiting for the school bus in the morning. I want the police to be accountable.

It is time to move.

Summer part 2

You know that it is summer (Beep,Beep ) because you (Hey girl, do you need a ride ) can’t walk (Honk, Beep Are you working?) down the street (Ay Mamasita) and just think to your(Honk, Honk) self.

I need to sleep why wont you let me sleep

I have been really tired lately and my brain has completely melted. I am now getting up around 6:00 a.m. and for a waking insomniac who is not a morning person that is very very hard. By the way I usually wake up between three and five a.m. central time so if anyone wants to email me go ahead.

Tonight I will leave you with a Dadism since we had dinner tonight.

"it is not whether you glass is half empty or half full,...maybe it is the size of your cup."

This is in regards to me wasting my potential by working at a place where three years ago I knew there was no more up for me. My father is very smart, don't let the dadism fool you, and has been working at a factory all of his life because when he started he was making more than his father ever made. He doesn't want me to work at a place just because I am comfortable, because being comfortable in your workplace is a trap.

Anyway, I hope my brain adjusts to my new lifestyle of getting less than six hours of sleep so that can be a more frequent and coherent blogger.

Be careful what you ask

The other day MSN posed a question that lead into an article..

Have the Black Eyed Peas sold out?

My answer is yes, most definately they did.

I used to really like the Black Eyes Peas. Things have really changed with the addition of Fergie . I am not a woman in hip hop hater, but she really put this pop angle on them that I don't really care for all that much. (Did you know she was in Kids Incorporated?) She is cute and can belt out a chorus as good as the next person but now their lyrics lack a lot of the substance that they used to. My evidence is "LETS GET RETARDED"??!!!

My Hip Hop has to move me, give me a history lesson, provide socio-political commentary, be lyrically clever (Rhyming the same words together drives me crazy), give props to those who came before and have very limited radio play. (i am such a snob sometimes)

BEP you are no longer the group I fell in love with. You are completely different and I don't know you anymore. I think it is over between us, things will never be how they were. It saddens me, but I know what is best.

If you are a fan still I just want to say that they put on a very energetic show.

Everyone's favorite party game

When I go to a party everyone's favorite party game is to tell me who I look like. Here is the list in order of frequency:

Uma Thurman

Winona Ryder

Natalie Imburglia

Angelina Jolie

Three I don't understand:
Sally- The love interest in the "Nightmare Before Christmas"

Toni Collette

Sandra

(This last one was from a former manager of mine. He said it was because I have a big mouth. I don't take too much of what he says seriously because he was kind of crazy. We always had to watch him at our after bar parties because he used to stay until a lot of people were gone and like to use that opportunity to take showers. It wasn't just our after bar parties either. He is now a real estate agent, how convenient.)

Just another Saturday in the 612

Star siting:
Today while walking around one of our ten thousand lakes I spied Morgan Spurlock of "Super Size Me" fame. He has a new show called "30 Days". I wonder why he is here.

Kids these days:
Tonight I went to my first professional soccer game. I don't really follow soccer so sometimes I had a hard time following the game. The thing I like about going to games of any kind is that I get to scream for no reason. I really like doing this quite a bit, especially after the week I had.

Before the game my friend and I were confronted by a group of 12 year olds.

"Hey give me a dollar." The ring leader spits at us.
"I don't have a dollar." My friend replies.
"Hey your girl, I saw her naked." He replies directing the comment at me.
"Yeah, I fucked her." Another 12 year old says.

Never had I wanted so bad for a 12 to turn into a 25 year old so badly. The only thing I could say without my usual tourretic outburst when grown men say that to me was..
"I am old enough to be your mom. Shut up."

I should have gone over and picked him up by his chones, but you have to sink pretty low to battle a 12 year old.

This is for you Mr. Bush...

.... who happened to visit my fine state today.

The Divorcement Movement

Attention: All family values Republicans might want to skip this posting, if you read my blog at all.

It is a fact in the U.S. that nearly all marriages end in divorce. I say this as a friend of mine is days away from his divorce being final. Although it is a sad situation, deciding that you no longer want to be with someone you loved once is a very hard thing, we, who are his friends and have been there during this three year ordeal are quite frankly very happy. I know that there are others in this situation. Come on admit it you are happy that your friend is getting a divorce finally after talking about it for so long. Divorce is sad, but maybe it doesn’t have to be.

I would like to start the following movement for all of those people who are either excited about their impending divorce or who are friends of the person who is ending a miserable situation.

Divorcement parties!

Why you should celebrate divorcement:

1. Because sometimes your friends are equally happy when you get a divorce than when you are engaged.



2. Because when you get a divorce you do end up losing stuff that you really need like pots and pans, furniture, books, etc.

People who are getting a divorce should be able to register at Target and Crate and Barrel and have Divorcement party planners just like their soon to be married counterparts.

It is just a thought.
Congratulations, man I can’t wait until you are basking in the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summer part 1

Do you know what i like about being an adult?

Adult swim time.

The State of the Union

Is it just me or did you think that governors had something better to do in their states other than argue about who's state quarter is better?

... like maybe planning their states party to celebrate the conversion of Katie Holmes to Scientology?

Sometimes I get so frustrated.

A love letter to two people

Thank you, Thank you everyone who says such lovely things about me and my blog.

Damn! Mr. Treat Williams you have clout, due to you and your last entry I have had over 40 people read my blog within 24 hours. We will have to match Hip Hop wits one of these days. I know that I can only be an apprentice.

Ms. Britt thank you
1) For saying such flattering things that every time I read them I blush a little bit.
2) For expanding my blog horizons and initiating me and Treat Williams on the same day.

love,
Me
(To read either of these blogs please see my links list.)

two new links

I have provided two new links to blogs that I like reading.

Treat Williams - If anyone likes hip hop as much as I do or has ever loved hip hop ever, this blog is a must read.

Erebus+terror - So literary and thought provoking sometimes it makes your brain melt. (Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday.)

the passion for destruction is a creative passion

There are two things that have got to stop...

1) Advertisements that use Got (fill in the blank)? still.
The other week I saw an advertisement for a Mom and Pop barber shop that read....
Got flattop?

Please people it is over. It is time to move on from this.

2) The recent phenomenon of combining celebrity couples names to ONE GIANT NAME. It is really quite silly and sometimes I think that they just make up people who are allegedly dating just to do this.

Bennifer
Brangelina
TomKat

This is just plain silly.

Did you know that there is an email plea to free Katie Holmes from the brainwashing clutches of the olympic sofa hurdler, Tom Cruise?

but the party's in my pants and everyone is invited!!!!

The song I have stuck in my head today is "'scuse me for livin'" by former Minneapolis based band tulip sweet and her trail of tears

The song is very much a "fuck you if you don't like me it's your fault if you don't so you can just kiss my ass anthem"

In looking for this hyperlink I found out that they have broken up. Very sad.

a question for the ages

My co-worker, who I eat lunch with every day, really likes pop music. So we listen to the pop stations to and from work. It is not my type of music but sometimes it is fun to car dance to. (You know what I’m talking about.) We usually are in the car during the “Back in the Day Buffet” on B 96, which plays a mixture of Hip Hop and Pop classics from the ‘80’s and ‘90’s. We usually sit and reminisce over songs that we used to like in high school and get nostalgic for days when we used to rush home from school to watch “Yo! MTV Raps.” Mostly it just makes me laugh. (Dizzy Gillespe plays the sax??)

This leads me to my question that has been plaguing me for a week or so. Do any of you remember the band Color Me Badd? They had this song called “I Wanna Sex You Up”. It was quite controversial when I was in school because it had the word sex in it. (That tells you how old I am) There are two versions of the song and the version that I heard on the “Back in the Day Buffet” was the version that leads me to a series of questions that have been troubling me.

Here are the lyrics:

Girl you make me feel real good,
We can do it till we both wake up
Girl you know im hooked on you
and this is what i'll do,

WE CAN DO IT TILL WE BOTH WAKE UP???!!!!

The song is basically all about this guy(s) who want to shag with this girl. Did they suddenly turn g rated and decide they want to just sit and dream together? Have any of the group members ever had sex before? I don’t think they have because it isn’t something you achieve during REM sleep. Is the whole song about a wet dream maybe?

No wonder they were a one hit wonder band. Hey are they on that reality show?

Friendly little poll

I just wanted to get this blog out entry out. I have been out of comission for a couple days due to my never ending birthday parties, vacations and make up dinners.

I just got back from my parents who live three or so hours away and they do not have internet and are very computer illiterate. So much so that when we drove into the nearest town to a coffee chain to use the wireless internet my mom touched my iBook with her manicured nail occassionally would squeal and say "I touched it" like a giddy four year old touching a grasshopper for the first time. Both scared and excited. Wireless isn't free there, so that is why I haven't been able to blog for a couple of days. I read that if you want people to read your blog you need to write often.

Oh yes, my friendly little poll....
For my birthday my sisters and mom treated me to a spa day. Sounds like I am a princess, but the town is small and massages are like $30. What I have noticed in all of my spa travels is that they always play the new age music. To me, it isn't very relaxing, I am more of jazz girl.

Poll question:
How do you feel about the new age music only in spas?

Please be honest. Because I don't care for it, it wouldn't make me angry at you if you like it.

Question for Spa workers?
Can a client bring their own music?

Thank you for indulging me.

It's my birthday

It is my birthday today. I wouldn't be up this early, but my neighbor's bloodhound puppy won't stop bellowing. It really doesn't like to be alone all day. I feel bad for it, but know that soon it will be too tired to bark any more.

If you read this blog please wish me a Happy Birthday.